Comments on: Murder in Ocean Hall

By: joeflood

joeflood — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 21:02:32 +0000

Elizabeth, thanks for the good suggestions! Good eye – I’ve made those corrections.

By: Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 23:19:11 +0000

What a good read. I have a few comments. In this sentence: “Good evening,” Fundwell said. He didn’t bother learning the guard’s names, despite the prevalence of his visits. They were just blue-jacked servants,” “Guards” is plural, so the possessive apostrophe should go outside the “s” thusly, “guards’ ” And instead of “blue-jacked” do you mean “blue-jacketed”?

In this sentence: “millions of students a year who were oddly fascinated with dinosaurs and their mothers. . .” the wording is a little confusing. Are the students fascinated with the dinosaurs’ mothers and then the students troop upstairs to see the diamond? Maybe a comma after dinosaurs would help break the sentence into relevent components.

Otherwise, an interesting read, I’ll look forward to reading the book!

By: Lawrence Charters

Lawrence Charters — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 12:34:01 +0000

“Guess I sound like a cranky old man in parts. ”

No, the character sounds like a cranky old man. But a cranky old man circa 1950 rather than a cranky old man circa 2009, perhaps. 60 is the new 40 and all that. I think you want to convey a sense of entitlement and superiority on the part of the character, rather than codgeryness. And no, “codgeryness” is not a word.

By: joeflood

joeflood — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 22:55:39 +0000

AE, thanks for the feedback. Guess I sound like a cranky old man in parts. Young whippersnappers! The victim’s name could be changed. I’ll have to think that one over.

By: AE

AE — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 20:49:48 +0000

I really like it Joe, but I can’t help but be distracted by the name of this guy. Can you re-name him a different first name than Bob? He is clearly Bob Ballard. I might forget if his first name is something else. Charles? Oran? Are you not allowed to use the name Titanic?
Another comment (meant to be helpful constructive criticism) – I think you should cut out some of the text where it is a little rambling about the young people today not respecting their betters. That part just seems longer than it needs to be.
Overall great story and I can’t wait to purchase it at a bookstore near me!

By: MK

MK — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 01:07:12 +0000

yaaay

By: Christine Flood

Christine Flood — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 17:11:36 +0000

Joe,
Good set up for the main event (murder). The professor is very unsympathetic. Does Dick Cheney really have gruff wisdom? Please post the next chapter.

By: joeflood

joeflood — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 15:30:25 +0000

Ah, very good. Thanks!

By: Lawrence Charters

Lawrence Charters — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 14:51:48 +0000

“And, after they met, they held a very private cocktail party of the Smithsonian Castle.”

I didn’t know a castle could host a cocktail party. Did you by any chance mean “at?”

By: Dave Newman

Dave Newman — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 23:34:55 +0000

I love it, Joe. I can’t wait to read the rest!